Lakeland 100 – Did Not Succeed

Health warning: Contains details of the inner workings of my head that some younger viewers may find disturbing.

On Friday at 6pm I started the Lakeland 100. I was feeling really fit and strong on the back of some good results and great training. I was full of optimism and positivity, and hoping to go well under 30 hours, if not sub-28 hours.

90 minutes later my race was over, stopped by an extremely sore Achilles tendon. Lakeland 8.5 complete.

I failed.

First of all, I’d just like to say that I’m not looking for expressions of sympathy, or “Rich, it was the right thing to do, you’re not a failure, you’ve had a great season so far” etc etc.

I know that logically the above statements are true, but how I feel is totally different.

The fact is that I did fail. I do feel like a failure and a dark cloud is hanging over my head. I feel failure badly.

I’m disappointed that my good results, my fitness, my strength in the hills, all came to nothing. It feels like an opportunity wasted.

But the failure is far more. I worry that others will be doubting me, thinking I’m weak, may even be secretly having a wry smile. That my family, friends, peers will value me less. That I will appear less capable, less worthy.

Paralysis by analysis, it’s said!

Why do I worry so much what others think of me? Self-esteem? Lack of self-value? Seeking praise? Seeking acceptance? Possibly. Probably. Definitely.

I know that logically none of the above are true, but that’s how I feel. I don’t really understand why. My intelligent, professional mind doesn’t understand why, but it’s how I am.

Of course I did the right thing. My Achilles is still sore. You may run off a sore muscle but not a bad Achilles. I would have only made it significantly worse.

Of course I’m not a failure. I’m sat here looking at all my medals hanging on the corners of pictures of my loving family. I am very fortunate, and I have succeeded in nearly everything I’ve ever done.

Of course I’ve had a great year running. The Spine. The MdS. Hardmoors 110. The Lakes 10 Peaks. All really long, tough, epic events. All races I’m extremely proud to have run in and finished.

Perhaps I’m just a little boy, just looking for acceptance, for praise, looking for his place in the world.

Others will be saying, and quite rightly, that I’ve done a huge amount this year, probably too much, and that I need to rest. Jenny tells me this, others hint at it, and I know it’s true.

So why have I pushed it so much this year? Firstly, with being off work for a while, I’ve had more time. More importantly though it’s about pushing the envelope. How far can I go? How long? How often? Again, this is not only for myself but seeking a pat on the back.

I also have to admit that there’s a little ‘How much can I do before I really break myself?’ Jenny laughingly (I think) says I’m a self-harmer. If I’m honest, perhaps there’s something in that as far as running goes.

I’ve just been having an email conversation with a friend:

Friend: I think you did the right thing, really! You have to listen to your body and have the guts to say enough is enough when you know you are going to do some damage, so I still say well done to you! You will come back stronger!!

Rich: I know it was the right thing to do unless I wanted to really destroy my running for months………but I'm still majorly pee'd off! Don't deal with not succeeding very well!

Friend: I think that's what makes you stronger, though! You definitely did the right thing!!

So perhaps what I see (and think others see) as a weakness may actually be a strength.

So there it is. A DNF and nothing is ever simple with me. My body will mend (I hope) and my mind will play its little games. And I’ll be happily running somewhere near you soon!

So when do the entries for next years Lakeland 100 open?

Tomorrow never comes

Lots of things I'd like to write about; my MdS experience, my recce's on the Cleveland Way for the upcoming Hardmoors 110, my first time as a marshall at the recent Dukeries Ultra. However, I just can't be bothered. 

My muse seems to have left me and I'm just not feeling very creative or poetic. Funnily enough this coincides with me not being a particularly good state of mind at present - and there's another thing I ought to write about.

I was recently told I should write a book on mental illness based on my experiences of being on both sides of the fence. Good idea but can't be bothered.........

There's always tomorrow!

Marathon des Sables

So I’m off to Morocco and the MdS tomorrow. This is the event that initially drew me to ultra-running, and I've had a place in this year's event since May 2011, so I should be really excited. 

I’m not!

Don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to it but not the raw excitement that I should be feeling.

Preparation hasn’t been ideal. I’ve definitely got the miles in my legs from the Spine and all my mini-adventures, but I had been hoping to do a few faster runs. A minor hamstring strain hasn’t helped, and neither has the weather!

I am a great believer that to perform well, the body and the mind have to be in the right place, hopefully at their respective peaks. Unfortunately, my head most certainly hasn’t been in the right place. My depression has been rolling in like dark storm clouds. It’s certainly not as bad as last year, but bad enough to sap my energy, enthusiasm and motivation. I’ve had the few days before and after Easter off work, and, following discussions, will be changing my meds on my return from the desert.

This time last week was the low point. My motivation was so low that I actually made enquiries into deferring my entry. A relaxing (and understanding!) weekend with Jenny seemed to do the trick, and enabled me to enjoy sorting out all my gear.

The rock that is my Jenny. Wadi Rum, Jordan 2007

I’m getting the train to Gatwick tomorrow and meeting up with Graeme Harvey and others at the Travelodge, before flying on Thursday. Hopefully once I’m with all the other UK competitors their excitement will prove infectious.

So, I am looking forward to it now. Top 50 – I doubt it. Top 100 – hmm!? My main goal is now to enjoy what is probably a once in a lifetime experience.

My Dad rang me this morning to wish me luck. He said it was incredible what I was doing......and all also that I must be mad. Well, that's well documented!

At least it should be warmer than it has been here!

Never far away........

An uninvited guest......

To anyone who has been awaiting the next exciting episode of my blog, I must offer sincere apologies but I have been "otherwise occupied".

I have pondered long and hard whether to post this blog but have decided that it's a story worth telling. 

For the past 6 months I have been entertaining an uninvited guest - Churchill's black dog - depression. It's something I've suffered with over the years but the last significant episode was back in 2001/02. This time the symptoms - low mood, gross negativity, loss of enthusiasm and interest, and profound lethargy - had on hindsight been creeping up on me for some time, but towards the end of April I was finding it harder and harder to cope with, well, anything. I had 5 weeks or so off work and tried returning but, again on hindsight, this was too soon and probably made me worse. It also made a lot more tired.

I totally stopped enjoying my running from June onwards - stopped enjoying anything if I'm honest. I tried to keep some training ticking over but it was hugely erratic and mainly just made me feel more tired - so I pretty much took a  break. In fact I really couldn't be arsed to do anything much! June and July were not fun at all. However going to the Olympics seemed to really boost my spirits and then I really enjoyed a week's cruise with Jenny and all our children - a few weeks earlier I'd been dreading this. An extra week with just Jenny was great.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I am now loads better. I returned to work in the middle of September on a graduated basis. This is my second full week back. I'm on tablets (fluoxetine) and under the care of a psychiatrist and CPN - I believe I'm receiving some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)! I am getting back to my "normal" self - Jenny says it's nice to have me back. I am enjoying my running again. I've done a couple of races recently which I've really enjoyed - putting no particular pressure on myself, with the goal of finishing, enjoying and not beating myself up either physically or, more importantly, mentally. I'm really looking forward to next year with another effort at the Spine in January and then the Marathon des Sables in April - a couple of months ago I was considering withdrawing from both. I am positive about the future and now the glass is half full, not completely empty! On hindsight, I hadn't realise the depth that I'd fallen to.

I've decided to post this blog mainly to highlight what is a common, but largely ignored and misunderstood, problem. Personally, I have no issue discussing this and being open about it, but society still treats mental illness as a taboo subject. What is needed is greater awareness, early intervention and, above all else, support. With regards to the latter, I can never thank Jenny enough for putting up with me for the last few months and supporting me with her love - I know it hasn't been easy at times!

So here's to happy days!